On Tour to the Yorkshire Dales 2008
The Journey North
The Exiles set off from all parts of London on an epic journey up to the legendary Yorkshire Dales. On a fine summer's day, hopes were high that the team would get to play both scheduled games over the weekend, as every weather forecast available had been studied during the week, and all seemed to offer hope.
The Captain and Simon set off first, followed a couple of hours later from West London by Martin and Jasper, and Wil, Amil and Phil L from North London. After battling up the M1 and popping into a service station, Jasper thought it would be worth checking on the progress of the Skipper, half expecting a "just finished first beer, hurry up" response. Imagine his surprise to see the Skip in the same station. Cue much indignation from Martin as to how they had made up 2 hours on the early starters - "I'm a bit worried about Simon these days, he's a bit dopey", with Simon bemoaning an encounter with Batman on the M25. Although before Bat fans salivate at the prospect of being treated to a sneak preview of the next film, it was in fact a protester, it should be said successfully, making his point.
After this impromptu meeting, Jasper successfully guided both cars, with the help of the human sat-nav (or should that be navski?) Martin to the edge of the Dales. And what a site it was too. Gorgeous countryside, that had the passengers in the cars drooling, if not their drivers who had to contend with all sorts of hazards including one road that randomly put an archway right in the middle. Then of course there were the sheep on the roadside, who reacted to a horn beep from Simon by charging his car. It set a pattern that emerged all weekend - with the local wildlife, whether big and small, dead or alive, attacking the hapless Exiles all-rounder. And vice-versa.
First Night
Having arrived in Hawes and having dumped stuff at the youth hostel, the team set about refreshing themselves in the Fountain public house, which offered all sorts of pub sports, and of course a fine selection of bitters - Black Sheep soon became a favourite. The Skip immediately set the tone for the weekend by asking the bar-lady for 7 pints of the stuff - to which he was given a begrudgingly positive response with the bar lady realising the effort that pulling 7 pints would involve.
A game of "killer" round the pool table quickly ensued, which raised the competitive spirits for the first time during the weekend. After this, discussion turned to cricket, and Martin, perhaps hoping to catch the Skip off guard after a couple of the Black Sheep bitters, pushed his claims for a promotion up the order, happily regaling him with tales of past batting exploits - including his heroic 11 not out against Dodgers recently. With hindsight, it would be fair to say Martin let his bat do the talking when the cricket did actually commence.
On the way back to the hostel Simon had his next wildlife encounter. While seemingly walking along the street, very much sober, the great man suddenly lurched and seemed to stumble. Hearts were in mouths that (hopefully) a truly daft injury would be inflicted on him. It soon emerged that the culprit was a dead hedgehog, which some locals had tried to mark with wooden poles. Having paid his respects to the unfortunate creature, the party journeyed back to the hostel.
Back at the hostel the party were slightly surprised to find that it was to be locked up at 11:30, with no re-admittance permitted. Emboldened by a glass of wine (or two), some of the team members decided it was not yet bed time and decided they were going to head back out. So, like something out of a 6th form school trip, a window was opened and left on a latch, and 3 of the touring party showed great agility in clambering out and out they snuck - back into town! The rest of the team headed off to their rooms, dreading where their team mates might end up after their schoolboy antics.
The events of the remaining stages of that evening will remain a mystery - as everyone had drunk too much to remember! However, Simon may or may not have got chatting to two 'lovely' 20 stone locals and Phil may, or may not, have been offered alternative accommodation for the evening.
A New Dawn
The next morning however, with breakfast at 8am, all of the team were accounted for, although 2 did skip the most important meal of the day. Though, on this occasion, they could be forgiven, such was the poor quality of cuisine on offer. Thankfully, also, the weather looked fine, and a game of cricket was all set to go ahead in Hawes itself.
Martin and Jasper headed off to find the pitch, and found the groundsman putting the finishing touches to the wicket. It soon emerged what a fantastic job he had done, as it turns out it had been under a foot of water up until Thursday, and although it was still very damp, it was perfectly playable. Eyes lit up also at the apparent short boundary on one side, which also had the added temptation of hitting a ball into the river - in fact rivers surrounded 3 sides of the boundary. However, as the match panned out, reaching even the shortest boundary was to be a tough challenge.
Back at the hostel, the remaining Exiles were preparing for the game; reasonably solid hangovers were present - particularly amongst the unnamed 'Exiles Three'. Simon soon realised he'd inexplicably misplaced a contact lens when returning from town, and had failed to pack any spares; cue the first tantrum of the day - "I hate playing in glasses".
The Exiles arrived at the ground and Simon was delighted to hear that Amil had contacts of almost identical specification to him - and had spares. With his eyes in, hapless Simon then realised his next drama - he had left his cricket shoes behind, and would have to play in a form of brown trainers that only Martin at the height of his reign of madness might contemplate wearing at any time for sport. The face of thunder returned.
He did console himself in finding that the umpires outfit - including a fetching beret - was a spitting image of Yorkshire legend Dickie Bird, although as Exiles wickets quickly fell, the outfit passed onto the author, who, perhaps appropriately, was out "yorked" in Yorkshire.
Game on
The match report should cover most of the action, but the highlights have to include the Skip surviving a very very close LBW appeal 1st ball, much to the chagrin of a young Yorkshire lad, Martin's classic array of super stretch defence shots, and his classic "lasso" shot to the boundary - one of only 3 people to hit a boundary in the Exiles innings - as he was quick to point out; Simon took out his frustrations by hitting 2 sixes into the river, that caused the Exile in exile John Hodgson to move his car in a panic in case it got a smashed window. In fact Simon was closer to striking his own hire car with one of his shots; now that would've caused a tantrum!
The Exiles bowling display was as tight as it has been all season, with only one noticeable catch going down - clearly the Exiles did not have serious enough hangovers - with Simon (yes he was in the thick of the action) shelling a catch off the new opening bowler Martin (yes he was in the thick of the action too!). Simon repaid the favour however when a skier that could have been his as a caught and bowled, he decided to helpfully call out "Martin", who did well to hold a steepler.
The opposition were very much an Arsene Wenger style line up of highly promising kids who in years to come could develop into fine players. Their bowling looking promising, and the batsmen were technically sound, if only lacking in power. A couple of them were however far too gung ho on a pitch that would always offer assistance to the bowler - slow though it undoubtedly was.
Hair of the (Mad) Dog
After a comparatively early finish, the team headed back to the local pubs to see if they could improve on the performance of the previous days drinking. Much of what happened next the author can't claim to remember, although he did end up sleeping in the back of his car, fearing having to climb through that window to the hostel in a slightly dodgy state. The rest of the team seemed to safely negotiate the window after the long night out. However, when the author made his way back to the hostel the next day, he was confronted with a note pinned to the door frame: "Hodgson group, please lock up after you". It seems that the front door was open all night anyway! Oh well. Poor John, his reputation tarnished and he wasn't even staying at the hostel!
Game not on
With most of the team feeling slightly tender, the last thing they felt ready for was a cricket match a few minutes drive away. However, the bad weather overnight had meant that the pitch at Middleham was unplayable, and John Hodgson, oblivious to the damage the Exiles at the hostel had done to his reputation, was over to break the good, sorry bad, news before the team set off. This meant that the team had an afternoon to fill, and being in the stunning setting of the Yorkshire dales, it was only natural for a bunch of Southerners to suggest spending the entirety of the afternoon locked inside by seeking solace in a pub and witnessing the 2nd day of the Premiership season unfold.
Martin Rambling on
However, step forward Martin, a man never afraid of a ramble, to gather together some willing walkers for a shortish walk in the afternoon, which after consultation, turned out would offer a promising route that encompassed visiting a pub for refreshment and a visit to a waterfall that featured in that gritty and realistic Hollywood film portrayal of Medieval England- "Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves".
One thing the Exiles rambling team were not prepared for was, er, rambling. Armed with a map, lent to us by the hostel, that appeared to be so old, (it cost 8/6 whatever on earth that means) that surely the routes on it might send us to the middle of nowhere (which, after what we had been up to, might have been the idea!). Also the team's attire was definitely most unsuitable for walking, with trainers and jeans and golfing umbrellas substituting walking boots, rain coats and walking sticks. Had we come across any proper ramblers, we might have been laughed off the Dales. However, the Rambling Captain was undeterred and led his men onwards.
Things got off to an ominous start, when only yards from the start, the planned route didn't materialise and instead the safety first option of following the road out of town was chosen. Eventually a path off the road was uncovered by our intrepid Captain, and the adventure could really begin.
However, having got over the first gate, Martin, in his excitement, promptly dropped the map in a large puddle. Thankfully the aged map survived, and on the ramblers went . Simon, buzzing from his performance the day before, decided to be the chief scout, and set off through all sorts of impenetrable routes, allegedly encountering snakes on the way. The Rambling captain was having none of it, and continued to direct the team as per the map, dismayed at Simon's apparent lack of faith and discipline.
It was a worthwhile walk, and eventually the pub and the waterfall were found. The pub was a classic countryside boozer, dark, with several roaring fires and a roaring game of dominoes going on in the corner amongst a bunch of locals who may not have seen the light of day for a few days.
The owner of the pub clearly knew he was onto a winner, as all visitors to the waterfall had to go through the pub and pay £2 for the privilege. It has to be said it was a surprisingly spectacular sight though, as hopefully the pictures do justice. And to the relief of some of the team, but not the unconcerned rambling captain, it was confirmed that we were now only just under 2 miles from Hawes, and it wasn't even getting dark.
Simon and the Horse
With the walk seemingly petering out to a peaceful end, the ramblers ended up at in one final field that separated them from the town. By now, most of the rambling party had got used to sheep instinctively turning their arses towards Simon as he entered their field, but now there was something new. The author had been through the field the day before, and had noticed a young horse in a fenced off section of the field, and it had seemed quite friendly to visitors. Today however, the horse was in a direct line with the path, and no one could have predicted what happened next. The ubiquitous Simon, who as has already been made clear earlier was a 'friend' of the animals, decided to feed some loose hay to the horse. The grateful horse took it out of his hand, but then decided that it wanted more than just cheap hay, and attempted to bite Simon's arm! I think Simon has included it as a 'Technical Pull'. Certainly there was some sexual tension between the horse and Si, but it was unclear as to from which side it was emanating - if not both.
Cue panic as the frenzied horse set about his conquest, perhaps in revenge for his cricketing performance against the locals the day before, and it took some considerable effort from Simon to get the horse to let go. On release, Simon started to walk and then switched to a run towards the gate, as the horse gathered speed behind him quickly followed by the author. This left the dumbstruck Exiles rambling and cricketing captains 10 yards behind, and with the horse circling, they suddenly realised they might be next and they showed considerable, er horse power, to make the gate before the horse got to them.
This could genuinely have been quite dangerous; certainly Simon should not be allowed in a field alone with wild animals ever again! But with apologies to Simon, it has to be one of the funniest things I've ever seen, as he innocently fed the horse and was rewarded with a savaging, (so to speak). It was just shame I couldn't get the camera out in time to film it all to share with a wider audience - though the two captains cowardice was caught on camera…
To the bitter end
After such dramas, the rest of the tour was much more sedate; the Fountain was revisited to watch the football, some more local food was enjoyed, as well as a couple of pints of Black Sheep. The tired remains of the Exiles touring party wisely decided to return to the hostel before the 11.30 curfew this time - in view of the long journey ahead the following day. And they even used the front door this time.
A final drop of wine was had and a quick game of poker - with Phil the controversial winner against a debutant Simon - was played out; although it has to be said that Martin clearly needs to learn to adopt a "poker face" when playing this game, as all too often his hand, good or bad, was laughably exposed by his visible reaction.
The planned visit to the local pitch and putt the following morning was unsurprisingly rained off and the long journey home was commenced. The end of a cracking and eventful 2008 Exiles tour.