How to Play the Exiles Way
Since the Energy Exiles Cricket Club played its first game in 1992, no fewer than 150 players have and taken to the field for the great club. Looking back over the past 14 years and the number of characters that have 'donned' the ill-fitting blue cap, it is not surprising that the club has witnessed its fair share of eccentric batting techniques. However, rather more surprising is how many of the more unorthodox 'strokes' have been mainstreamed into the Exiles' cricketing repertoire.
So, I am pleased to present here, in pictures, the first of a collection of articles to help instruct the uninitiated on How To Play The Exiles Way
# 1 - The Stretch and Super-Stretch (Original exponent: Champion Cricketer)
For all intents and purposes, the 'Stretch' and 'Super-Stretch' are forward defensive shots played to block a range of deliveries. As the majority of wickets played on are damp, lifeless puddings, the 'Stretch' and 'Super-Stretch' shots are most likely to be deployed at the start of a batsman's innings to pad up or kick away 'depth charge' bowling when a batsman is unsure what the ball is doing. However, Champion Cricketer uses the 'Stretch' and 'Super-Stretch' against the more rapid bowlers because there 99.9% certainty he'll be bowled or caught, therefore avoiding any chance of sustaining bodily damage.
 Click thumbnail for large picture | Step One: Take guard - this wastes valuable seconds and gives the fielding side the impression the batsman knows what he's doing. |
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Step Two: Rut away - this phenomenon was once unique to Jeff Hilson however it has been adopted by several of the more impressionable Exiles who think it looks good. However, experts agree rutting serves no other purpose than to create god awful mess of the popping crease. |
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Step Three: Prepare for delivery - standing up straight can make the batsman look imposing. However, it can also make him look like a rabbit staring into the headlights of an on-coming vehicle. |
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Step Four: Stride Forward - the theory here is that the batsman plants, or 'stretches', his front foot down the wicket in the general direction of where the ball will pitch, therefore alleviating any threat posed by the forthcoming delivery. Please note the picture, left, which clearly shows that by performing the 'stretch' movement the batsman aims to leave as great distance possible between his front foot and his head (and, therefore, the ball). |
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Step Five: Place the bat - the bat should be stretched beyond the front pad with a slight upward tilt so that if connection is made the ball will safely pop up to the bowler for a return catch. This ensures that the batsman will not need to face the fast bowler at the other end |
# 2 - 'The Bully' (original exponent: Champion Cricketer)
Another Hilsonian original, 'The Bully' is an aggressive statement by the batsman that he is not intimidated by superior bowling. In reality of course the opposite is the case as most exponents attempt the shot through fear*. 'The Bully' can neither be categorised as a stroke, nor a shot as it is essentially a slog.
* DID YOU KNOW - In Exiles parlance, if a batsman is said to be a 'good bullier of the bad ball' this means they have a limited array of shots.
 Click thumbnail for large picture | Step One: Assume an orthodox batting stance - the idea here is to look like Alastair Cook and not Alistair Cooke |
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Step Two: Raise the bat for extra back lift - the bat should be raised so that the 'meat' is approximately at the same height as batsman's head. This allows the bat to follow an 'agricultural' arc and generate optimum clubbing power. |
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Step Three: Front foot forward - the batsman should plant his front foot down the wicket, somewhere in line with where the ball will pitch. As he does so, the bat should remain in roughly the same position as in Step Two. |
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Step Four: Mooooo! - At the same time as the front foot is planted (step 3), the bat is brought through with the entire batsman's strength. If performed correctly the ball should find its way to cow corner. If performed incorrectly the ball will probably find its way to cow corner anyway. |
# 3 - 'The Giddy Up' (original exponent: Joe 'The Gorilla' Gillam)
One of the more unusual techniques, 'The Giddy Up' is more of a nervous foible than a shot as it is performed by the batsman just as the bowler is about to deliver the ball. Interestingly, when asked to explain how 'The Giddy Up' helps concentration at the crease, the originator denies ever performing the movement. However, there is a theory that 'The Giddy Up' is a cunning way to put the bowler off his stride by making him laugh.
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Step One: Saddle Up - In order to get the correct opening stance for 'The Giddy Up', the batsman should hunker down over the bat, gripping low down on the handle, flex his knees and stick out his arse in the direction of square leg. |
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Step Two: Hi-Ho Silver - As the bowler begins his run up the batsman should straighten slightly and raise the knee of his leading leg to approximately waist height. The bat should hover, Gooch like, behind the batsman. |
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Step Three: Hi-Ho Silver lining - Almost simultaneously the front foot is lowered and the back foot flicks up. The bat should remain in the 'half-cocked' position. |
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Step Four: Giddy up there - Repeat steps 1-3 until the bowler reaches the crease opposite. |
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Step Five: Dressage - Stride forward at the same time as bringing the bat through to meet the ball. It should be noted that the bat in this instance is purely superfluous as 9 times out of 10 the ball will already be in the wicket keeper's hands or have knocked out middle stump. |
#4 - 'Fly-Fishing' (original exponent: Sir B Fitzgerald)
Credited to Exiles occasional, Sir Barrington, the 'Fly-Fishing' shot is probably the hardest of the Exiles shots to play because it performed almost entirely with ones eyes shut. The 'Fly-Fishing' shot can be performed both defensively and with attacking intent. However, the effectiveness of the shot depends almost wholly on the batsman spotting the appropriate delivery early i.e. an in-swinging beamer to the throat (as perfected by the Gorilla)
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Step One: Quasimodo - The batsman should take position at the crease (guard is optional), hunch back and shoulders over the bat and pivot to and fro as if ‘spying’ or counting the fielders. (Note in the picture, left, the uncanny facial resemblance between Bradders and Sir B!) |
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Step Two: Set the bait - lift the bat a little and stumble a quarter of a stride forward. The aim here is to con the bowler into guessing you're about to give him the charge (or have a coronary). It is this momentary 'hesitation' makes the bowler change his mind about his next delivery, causing him to release the ball too soon. |
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Step Three: Pick your spot - Quickly raise the bat backwards so it is parallel with the shoulders. Both top and bottom hands gripping the bat should be allowed to shift to a position not dissimilar to one a navvy might employ to grip a pickaxe. Stumble another quarter stride down the pitch and close eyes. |
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Step Four: Cast away - With eyes still firmly closed, the batsman should fling the bat forward with as much strength as he can muster and connect with the ball at the optimum part of the swing (i.e. near the head somewhere). The bat should always start off in vertical position and follow a natural arc past the batsman's right ear. The shot should finish with the toe of the bat facing forward of the batsman. |
# 5 - The Dynamite Shot (original exponent: Sir B Fitzgerald)
Technically, the 'Dynamite' shot is the same as an orthodox forward defensive shot, though the initial half-stride forward to the pitch of the ball is more of an uncoordinated lunge with the sole aim of 'spoiling' a delivery (i.e. batting for ones average). However, what makes the 'Dynamite' shot unique is the batsman's reaction once the ball has hit the bat.
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Step One: Assume an orthodox batting stance - Sir Barrington is famous for once declining an Umpire's offer of a guard "My public won't take kindly to me being so constrained" he smouldered. |
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Step Two: Slowly does it - Take a half stumble forward towards the pitch of the ball. |
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Step Three: TNT - Bring the bat down slowly to deaden pace on the ball. At this point in the shot most fielders will already have taken the opportunity to nip off to the loo or slap on another coat of sunscreen. |
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Step Four: Holy Smoke?! - As the ball hits bat, release the bottom hand as if you've just fended off a cruise missile. It is rather appropriate that this bit of ham cricket should've been originated by an actor as wooden as Andy Strauss' Gray Nicholls bat! |
# 6 - The Reverse-Periscope (original exponent: JP)
Alongside 'The Bully', the 'Reverse-Periscope' is probably the most talked about of Exiles shots. However, unlike 'The Bully', the 'Reverse-Periscope' is a pleasant shot to watch as it requires true timing, balance and concentration in order for it to be performed correctly.
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Step One: Battle stations - Assume batting stance with low hands. The wearing of a floppy hat helps execution of this shot. |
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Step Two: Up Periscope - As the ball is delivered, pick the leg-stump line of the ball and bring bat high up in front of your face. |
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Step Three: Down Periscope - Bring the bat down from this high position, thus performing the 'reverse periscope' action. |
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Step Four: Shiver me Timbers - As you connect with the ball close the face of the bat to send it hurtling down to fine-leg. |
# 7 - 'The Nutmeg' (original exponent: Marty 'Mad Dog' Thomas)
Most Exiles, at some point in their careers for the club, will have played a shot not dissimilar to 'The Nutmeg'. Quite often this may have been due to poor judgment, exceptional bowling or incredible good luck. However, to play 'The Nutmeg' consistently, week in week out, requires a 'sophisticated technique' because, to perform the shot the batsman must a) be confident that he knows where the ball will pitch b) throughout the shot have some idea where his leg stump is c) be able to calculate how far he needs to put is front foot outside the line of the off stump in order to leave a big enough gap between his legs for his bat d) allow the ball to connect with the bat without looking at the ball e) not fall over.
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Step One: Take up position with legs and pads planted well outside the leg stump. As with 'The Giddy Up' the batsman here should look as ungainly as possible by hunkering over the bat and sticking his arse out towards square leg. It is clear that taking the appropriate guard is critical to this 'shot' as, in theory, the guard should inform the batsman where his stumps are. However, experts agree that the guard here is superfluous, as the batsman really requires ESP to get away with playing this shot regularly. |
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Step Two: Ants-in-me-pants - Keeping the back foot firmly planted outside the leg stump, the batsman should move the front foot half a step forward. The bat itself goes in the opposite direction so that two out of the three stumps are completely exposed. |
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Step Three: Pasa Doble - with the back foot still planted outside the leg stump, move sideways, across the front of the stumps in one over extending stride so that the front leg is now outside the off stump. If performed correctly there should now be a big gap between the batsman's legs exposing the stump, I mean stumps. At this point the bat is hidden behind the front pad. |
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Step Four: Owzat! - Once over-stretched, the bat should be allowed to dangle from behind the front pad. This is a risky shot to play because at no point are the stumps protected by the batsman. In addition, though the stride across the stumps should be a mighty one it is generally taken in a sideways movement thereby leaving the batsman open to LBW decisions. |
Please Note:
The above article was written as a light hearted piece of fun and is aimed to be an irreverent look at the Exiles and our many eccentricities. The author hopes it will be taken as such and apologies unreservedly if any offence is caused.
At time of publishing, no women have played for the Exiles (excluding Chamberpot that is) therefore this article refers to 'players' in the masculine. However, the Club's ethos certainly doesn't preclude females of any shape, size, colour, creed or cricketing ability from becoming Exiles. Regrettably, I must inform any women interested in playing for the club that Joe 'Bizniz Card' F-D has decided to retire from the sport to concentrate on running a small motel with his dear old mother.
The next instalment of 'How To Play The Exiles Way' includes:
"The Paddle Shot" (original exponent: Wil)
"The Hot-Potato" (original exponent: JP)
"The Thanks Andy" (Original exponent: Bradders)
"The Art of Running Between The Wickets" by Naren Patel
"How To Save A Single By Giving Away A Four - The Plough's Fielding Masterclass" by The Plough